Been searching for the Holy Grail for so long, and comedically realize it’s in my own hands.
That comedy evolved into shocking empty guilt.
Now I drink, and now I eat. No charades to partake in.
Lack of trust has me empty, but opens me up even more.
Tuning into the process has been horrid, but a blossom of fireworks still explode over my head.
Life goes on.
There was a guru from India that had commune built for him in Oregon in the 80s. Can’t remember his name.I saw a documentary about it on Netflix.
His secretary, Sheila said one time said something that really spoke to me
“Burn your bridges”
I never fully understood that. It was the opposite of the philosophy of which culture implied you never do.
Now I understand.
Burn the links of the past and always begin with a new foot forward. That old life WAS relative, but time changes quickly and looking back is only a WASTE of time.
I understand why some people get into gurus.
The vulnerability of the soul is so delicate. Having a guide to rise and succumb is such a benefit.
Waking up in my broken world is has been immensely stressful. I’m just watching the clouds go by and going with change as it comes:
With proper discipline the weather would come to harmony.. In my resent or broken sadness at times storm clouds weigh over head at times.
Learning as I grow.
Great guides talk of great kindness.
All we are as objective from the world, yet also as one in part of the world- living together, naked honestly seeing our own harrowing reflections. .
a benefit and a curse, just trying to enjoy life anew.
Life is so vulnerable. Life is ever evolving, periodically changing with circumstance, sometimes falling to chaos and disorder.
Yet even in the worst sense of all challenges, we should be able to laugh at it.
When it comes to people, Ive laughed at some of the phony facades of individuality:
Watching a person trying too hard to be a person, attitude tweaked, and brash acting in thier struts.
They project just a different version of themselves for their own peace. Everyone is living their own life any way they can.
It’s a challenge for everyone. I see so many different hats, so many different people.
I’ve grown to see my laughter has been shallow and sheerly arrogant.
In humoring my past, I’d blame the French, ignorantly applying comical stereotypes.
What an utter fraud I have been for so long.. Wandering around like a zombie chained to a wall. Belligerently drinking, and afraid to really seeing myself for who I truly was. Just a pet- never a person
Stopping the search and finding a resolute peace. In spirit of the self.
How ignorant, brash and crass I was..
Wandering around like a peacock, with the mind of a mouse.
My life owes merely a decoration.
Vibration initially scares the hell of me., then get me gritty.
Like a kid that was afraid to go on the roller coaster and loved it. Even though it’s hard at times, life is a fun trip..
Earlier this week I had the thought that
“My life had become a joke.”
I appreciated that at first- seemingly willing to sacrifice myself for any kind of joy- it’s been months since rove really laughed. I welcomed what I thought was an insensitive, but necessary thought.
I go throughout the day,usually guarded. In arrogance my ego and pride charges to only the option to defend my delicate being.
I’m not what I thought I was
I never knew what I was
I never knew what I wanted
I never cared to understand
Understanding that in my judgment, I also see the vanity rub off my own face. I see the pain of ha my ignorance and pressure caises, in the towel a dirty imprint of a bird bath.
Handling things that way, derision drives their peace into the ground, and the vulnerability I ironically protect, I see by mocking that behavior causes the same nightmare for someone else.
I now see I’ve sacrificed their sense of security for mine
A good definition of an asshole.
I don’t like it, but at least I now know it, and won’t deny it anymore. Holding unto my responsibility as a person.to comes to terms and see the life I’ve had in a dusty book cover. Opening it, change is on the horizon..
It’s a senseless struggle for time and comfort
Wouldn’t it be so much easier iit we could trust people to accept us for who we are and whom you are?
The struggle within is real- that emptiness is ugly.
From my fake broken teeth, to your phoney coach purse, or fake shoes?
Different props for different stops.
Life’s too short for war, Itt’s time to find and hold onto peace.
There’s no reason to spread any more pain, people eventually will succumb to their own reflection, and get in the same bus in time. Patience.
Each of us change at our own time, and in our own specific way.
In the end, every person is orbiting their lives in their own time and places.
Sometimes chaos happens in space. Just need to open up to have the ability to see self honestly.
Life is somewhat like the movie Groundhog Day- eventually after so many tries, we come rise and resolve.
In retrospect, the underlying connection is always the only connection to feel love. Kindness is Godliness.
Kindness is truly the foundation of life that makes us open to Love.
Over reacting and pushing pressures for control just makes a hard situation only harder. That’s each of our responsibilities, just to try to be kind to each other.
In kindness we get everything we really need. And through out Karma, everything we want.
We don’t need much, just love to love.
In confusion I camouflage pain . I laugh at the chaos.
In each laugh, a tear falls. Such a difficult way to cope, but the only way I’ve understood now.
Overzealous pride, . A silly waste of time, a struggle that is honestly not with anyone else, but the self:
All to reinforce a sense of self.
I carry my fraudulent ways with me, always visible, a part of the long walk.a part of my own reflection.
A part of of what made me, a part from me.
It’s hard to see your life go right before your eyes.
A life begins, yet the urge to reinforce some kind of conceptualized security remains.
In that old security, in the old unrest, I still project that there is peace, because there was happiness.
Yet now there is not. Just the feeling that there is something to look back on, and those thoughts slow down my journey with glances of what is past.
.There WAS love there, There was ALOT of pain there.
Guilt beguils, but there is no reason to feel guilt.
Nothing can be done. Apologies are just afterthoughts.
Talk is cheap, while smooth and honest change is open..
Honesty is like the sun shining upon us in our flight, the clouds above flow with winds of change..
Change speaks for itself .
The beautiful connections that were made remain. Those can come with on that beautiful journey of the self, while others shall be let to pass by.
Excising one, to exercise the other.
Everything is everything and the weather is getting hetter.
A hard homecoming for new perspectives.
A tough recovery from a hard imprisoned life.
Breaking down all the falsehoods,, the fraudulent wakings of culture, the fraudulent need for perpetual understanding. All reflective, and most disgusting.
Our peace is in ourselves.
In my past I’ve been reckless, bitter, angry, relentless, selfish -and even out right mean.
Perhpas that’s why this new life starts off so hard.
Those years of blindness.
Learning to see in a positive light is a challenge in itself. We do eventually “reep what we sew”
Karma is a very real thing
.
We just have to remember that it’s okay to get rid of that farm.
I love on cautiously, slowly, and defensive- but realize thats’s just a rouse to keep me content and feeling in control. Which makes trust barely pliable. Leaves a defeatist trying to win- a paradox that may imprison.
Stressors keep me busy, and the best neighbors I claim to be a fence. At least at this point, the future is open.
I push away contact because my vulnerability pulls and pushes me around like a top. Yet, in an odd way I still feel the need to justify my being.
Selfishness abated., still mysteriously jaded. Open.