The air is so thick I seem to swim in emotion.
My life has always been defined in majority by that principle.
Now, understanding that, I need to govern over excessive passion.
Those passions have helped me and process things better, yet have also emoted too much.
Have I been that selfish?
Has my search become so selfish that all I want is to think of what is right altruistically?
What about what was right objectively for people in a relative sense?
Why did I think there was anything absolute?
Like an alarm clock going off,, I see my perspective has been wrong.
The narrow minded views of what I have allowed in life. Or should I say, more of what I have not allowed; based on what I deem good for myself.
My perception has been that misguided.
This self serving world has become the only world I’ve ever known.
I’ve never thought myself to be such a selfish person even though I’ve been so brutish.
Still surprised, my ego winks.
I have to change and attune to my choices.
I need to govern and be more moderate te with them.
A new outline, structure and foundation.
There has to be balance, and a reassessment of specific emotion.
I’ve always been open to friendship if I don’t feel slighted by it.
Sacrifice
The word sacrifice. Sacrificing something has always been taken so seriously in a religious sense,
I’ve blown up what the word sacrifice means. I have to keep the thought of metaphors with religion in mind.
With some sacrifice comes joy.
Overcoming the thought of wariness when it comes thought of sacrifice is essential.
That’s a conditioning process.
I grew up understanding things in a cultural sense, not individual sense.
This led me to a broader interpretation of what’s acceptable, and a broader range to stereotype life. That stereotypical thinking ironically trapped me.
Time and balance heart and in mind.
Learning slowly though open to change.
I have to re-establish parameters of trust.
I never understood what life was about and never listening to what it was in school.
Deaf dumb and blind, putting the facade on that I had known things, when I never truly understood anything.
Generationally, this was pushed, and now I need to bring things back together and bring cohesion back, soundly.
The loss of trust that has happened in that distance has confused my knowledge of what Love even is.
Straying away and led into a dimension that was composed of needs to calm my nerves any way necessary.
I let my time be.monopolized,
I felt taken for granted, and eventually taken advantage of.
When time is thought to be monopolized for whatever reason life is predictable.
Yet time can’t be monopolized any more then nature can be predicted.
Time is an element of change and is as non predictable as the weather in the environment itself.
It can be possibly foreshadowed, but never known. Time just is, such as a being.
Therefore the concept of the premise of time must change.
I was so used to feeling the pain and strain of being someone that was found comfort in, that I lost what the ability to know comfort as it is.
That pleasure became a pain.
There has been a multitude of disrespect.
In my mind, I came to realize think things were the way they are and that was standard. Things couldn’t change.
I treated my life as a predetermined set of circumstances, perhaps based on prevous circumstances.
Only recently have I gone beyond that,
It’s hard to ask for real help, though I need it more than ever. It would be so much easier if people would honestly help to further things for a shared goal, instead of one stringently tied to self interest.
When people help for self serving needs, help isn’t truly help.
People think they can just take what they want out of love.
some people do, and it’s so hard to understand. To me pure love is always unconditional
That perception is what I need to change.
I’d love love to be unconditional, but now I know it’s truly not. Friendships are conditional at times, but love shouldn’t be that way.
Knowing that, my resistance with those character qualities hold steadfast.
I’m learning that life is give and take, but love isn’t.
I’ve guided my way through life with a heart on my sleeve, and mindful to everything for the wrong reasons.
I’ve always felt love to be honest and careless of self, fearless and comfortable.
The sobering moment seems to come with the bitter pill of knowing that loving people the way they are may not be possible.
it may not be possible to love everyone, but is possible to be kind to them.
This understanding is relatively new to me.
The more relationships I make now, the more I restructure.. Living and loving the self, among others.
Creating boundaries though experiencing in my way, I must purvey a different sense of how life may be to other people.
I must gain a sense of empathy, yet hold steadfast to keeping a peace in myself, at all cost
In that balance there may relief.
At the same time I question myself, am I rerouting responsibility?
I’m am selfish, I am insecure. I have deflected pain in the past. I have deceived, I have been a person that spites for myself. I have been a fraud.
This comes full circle. The world that I scream about, I demonstrate qualities of. The world I love, I often partied, and not welcome.
is this “Thick Emotion” just a platelette of what I am, or a plea to understand more about myself?
It’s both.
I’m part of the behavior, yet don’t encompass all aspects I reject and dislike.
Honestly, finally pure honesty.
Life mimics itself, even as life happens.
Restructuring certain trusts will ease into more muted emotion, and more practical feelings of friendships.
my definition of loving every person as a friend in the way I thought friendship truly was is not necessarily the way friendship is. A lot of friendships are based on many different factors, not just love and loyality.
that knowledge jades my thought on friendships in the future.
it’s important to pick friends well, and good friends are hard to come by.
I’ve not been a good friend in many ways, and perhaps overvalue my own love I say is the basis of such.
Again
honesty, denial, reasoning, denial, honesty.
Finally clear, my head is of the confusion, yet the more I seem to fear my own hypocrisy.
The fact I fear speaks volumes. It denotes some truth, yet at the same time denotes vulnerability from such truth because of truth.
I seem to be made of-
3 parts selfish
1 part devious
2 parts caring
1 part misunderstood
1 part confused.
2 parts honest
whatever that mean- I guess I’m that guy.
Learning and changing, conditioning and aging
I am what I am.
We may have not have the compactly to love all around us, but have to make the best choices to grow .
There has to be peace and accountability in each of us.
How has my endurance withstood this process?
Insecurity became such a crevice, life changed.
Yet like love, I feel sanctuary in truth.
Love seemed confused at times, for different reasons. Truth too, even though want to realize it, has been flawed in moments.
Those two massive ideals in my life are mending.
Perhaps that’s why I feel misunderstood.
There is a joy in change, but it’s difficult to sort through.
This life has been interesting, but very messy and disorganized.
Now, still insecure, but confrontational to ignorance and confusion.
Good will should be given, but the definition should be understood only by the acceptance of the other.
In every gift there is a sacrifice,
For good will to good be good at all there must be Something honest behind it. Transparency that everyone can see and know, not self serving by any means.
The confusion of what love, and what life became stem from mere complexities of communications, be they of devious, disrespectful, or honest means.
Finding advantageous ways from dishonest means isn’t right, and changes the whole trajectory of life.
Deviated trust is only self sufficientt.
Miscues of communication over and over again, till the principle changes itself at its own time.
asnowball than grows in size, rolling into itself.
Honesty, guides all relationships.
It’s with that same honesty that we can resolve our own inadequacies.
.